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Newbies Learn How The Internet Works & Make $$$ In Days

By TheAntiHype | March 12, 2008

Hi, I don't remember seeing you here before. If you're new here, welcome. If you despise the hype on the net as much as me & like a laugh, keep up to date with my latest posts by subscribing to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting! The Anti Hype

Newbies proclaim themselves guru fodder!

I received the following email today. I’m thinking about a suitable reply which I’ll post here, probably tomorrow.

If you are still educating yourselves in internet marketing and the way of the web you may be advised to read through this. At the request of one loyal reader I have included a box of tissues.
tissues_box.jpg

Don’t ask about the tissues!

Hi this is Homer and Marge.

Just so you know we’re not from Springfield – we say that because people always ask then laugh when they meet us for the first time – we can’t tell you why though. Just one of those things we guess.

We’ve worked out that we must be what you would call guru fodder.

We need a few questions answering please.

We’ve been looking around the internet for a while, you see we want to make our fortune on line but we’re not sure where we sit in the pecking order and what we should be doing first.

We really like the $100 products with their “you must buy now or they’ll be gone” headlines. They must be really good quality to sell so fast. How quickly do these guys sell out? Do we have enough time to run for our credit cards or should we have them with us at all times? How do we get some of those things and are they the best to be selling?

And what about these ottoes – we think they’re called “one time offers” some places. Why do some of them then offer exactly the same on the next page (is that a Two Time Offer or TTO?) but with one less bonus. Are those bonuses brilliant or what. We’ve filled up two hard drives – we’re going to get everything we need then sit down one evening and read everything.

We joined a program last week that cost $97 pm including hosting (can you tell us what that is please) and something else for free. That’s real good value because it said by the time we’d read page 3 we’d be millionaires.

We’re only on page 1 but when we get round to the next few pages we’re made. We think it is absolutely brilliant how this internet thingy works. You don’t need to do any work at all.

Anyway, after a week we we’re told that the price has been reduced to $67 but that we now have to pay $30 for the hosting. That sounds real good to us, but we are “newbies” and aren’t up to speed with the way things work yet. Can you let us know what this hosting thing is because we only have a small house and don’t have room to host too many people at once. Maybe we should spend the $30 on something else. What do you think?

On the subject of “newbies” we read on your site that we are allowed to be called idiots. We don’t like that but can put up with it for a while but what we need to know is “how long are we classified as newbies? Is it time related, or how much money we’ve spent with the Bad Gurus or is it something we can never change because we didn’t venture online before 2008?

It is all so confusing for us. We’re happy to spend our life savings with someone who’ll show us how to make money online (particularly if that means we can graduate from being newbies quicker) but there are just so many great gurus out there it’s hard to choose between the “cash belching dollar churning automated whiz bangs” and the “work in your pyjamas and watch the $ drop into your bank account like plastic ducks being shot at a fairground” products.

We are getting a bit old for working in our pyjamas, Marge has a hip problem and has to wear a wooly nightie – is that OK? Are any colours particular favoured because we would hate not to follow protocol.

Actually we saw last week that one of the bad gurus featured here wears his underpants whilst working. Homer wears rather fetching long johns – are they OK? We’d rather spend our money on the learning than the guru attire at the moment.

long-johns1.jpg
By the way, we’ve seen that many of the gurus speak at seminars – is there a dress code there? If so we’ll probably only go to the summer ones.

So how much should we budget to spend during our first few weeks? Do we need a website? We see so many sites that say you don’t need one we figure we won’t bother but we don’t know how the money turns up.

Is it something to do with downloading enough products and the money gets paid onto your bank account. We like the look of those Paypal and Clickbank accounts that show loads of money everyday. Which product do you get those with?

We have lots of time available so if that is how it works we can start downloading today. We could buy another computer and as we both have a credit card we could buy things all day. We reckon if we concentrated on the $7 products we could buy about 4 an hour each (Homer has a bladder issue so would be a bit slower as he has to pay a visit every ½ hour or so).

That would be about 50-60 downloads a day. It would cost us around $350 a day but if we got $97 paid into Paypal for each one downloaded like the big boys then we probably would be very rich very quickly.

If only we’d found out about this last year before we tried that pyramid thing or that one where we sent the money off but the poor guy was ill and couldn’t fulfill our order. We didn’t have the heart to ask for our money back.

It seems like we’re rambling but we’ve only written about one page and those bad gurus write letters about a mile long. They have so much to say they must be really clever and know everything

Hoping you can answer our questions Mr AntiHype.
Wow, Homer & Marge that’s a lot of questions. I’ll do my best to answer them on the guru-fodder blog tomorrow. Don’t forget to stop by.

The Anti Hype

P.S. If you liked this post feel free to download the Newbies Learn How The Internet Works & Make $$$ In Days pdf and share it from Scribd

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Topics: Bad Gurus, General Guru Fodder, Humour, newbies |

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