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Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion

By TheAntiHype | March 13, 2008

Hi, I don't remember seeing you here before. If you're new here, welcome. If you despise the hype on the net as much as me & like a laugh, keep up to date with my latest posts by subscribing to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting! The Anti Hype

Following on from Homer & Marge’s email I received a response to yesterday’s post which I think in the interests of fairness I should reproduce below (for one particular reader here’s an ice cream for while you read!)

credit: Matsuo AmonLunch on a sunny day.
Hi Anti Hype

I just read your post about Homer & Marge and I need you to give me their contact details right away. They’re just perfect for my new launch.

I’m looking for 24 million guru fodder, as soon as I reach that number I’m closing the doors, no ifs, no buts, CLOSED. I’ll re-open a week later though with an increased price but don’t tell them that.

If you give me their details I’ll save the trouble of answering their questions. Deal? In fact I’m so desperate, I mean keen to help, I’ve given the answers below.

Hi Homer & Marge, it’s your lucky day. I’m the guy who you want to give your lifetimes savings to. I have the flashiest, wizziest, cash belching automated show on the road. With this you cannot fail, at least I can’t!

You don’t have to take my word for it, read the testimonials on my web 2.0 enhanced, state of the art, video & audio enabled, created for me at huge expense by some guy in Eastern Europe I found on rentacoder, site. Some of them are by real people who have actually heard that I might be creating a product so you really can’t go wrong.

Now you probably want to get started right away and if you are lucky enough to whizz over to me site now and get the fast movers advantage of being in the first 24 million subscribers I’ll give you my personal money back guarantee. All you need to do is sign up and I’ll give you your money back if within 5 minutes you don’t like the program.

Now guru fodder, you don’t mind me calling you that - it’s so much quicker than typing Homer and Marge, one of your questions you asked The Anti Hype was how quickly do we sell out.

I can’t tell you exactly but sometimes it’s within minutes of my server crashing because of the overload. Last launch I did, I had the whole of Europe trying to access the site at exactly the same time so there is no time to lose. As soon as you hear the word the doors are open you have to act - no question about it - you don’t want to miss out do you?

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I WILL EVER GIVE ONLINE - KEEP YOUR CREDIT CARD WITH YOU AT ALL, I REPEAT ALL TIMES.

Dan and Betsy use the same card

credit: rickharpreet thinking

Sometimes you’ll get an email from me and you’ll find yourselves entranced by the hype and I don’t want you to miss out by having to find your card and then getting cold feet or realising its not for you. That won’t do any of us any good. It’s also important to the world economy to keep the cash flowing. Particularly in the direction of me.

Now on to those great One Time Offers. Without a doubt you must get them immediately. My whole lifestyle is built on a take up rate of 99.9% and I take it personally if someone doesn’t buy. In fact, I always use an immediate follow up along the lines:

I know the extra $3 is probably to much for you poor people to spend right now so what I’m going to do is offer you easy payment terms over the next 3 months. I usually get the few stragglers with that one - I think you two probably fall in that category so let me know when you get to that stage.

Now here’s the best bit. You said you’re only on page 1 of the product you bought. That’s really the thing to do. Whatever you do don’t just stick to one plan. You’ll end up getting focused and not buying anything else. You’ll find out that something works and you’ll stick with it rather than jumping at the next great idea and spending more money. Think about the economy and my expensive lifestyle.

WITHOUT DOUBT THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE I GIVE TO ANY NEWBIE IS “NEVER FINISH READING ANY eBOOK or COMPLETE ANY COURSE OR TASKS YOU ARE GIVEN. I’d go as far as saying it is sometime best not to even start. You don’t want to get demoralised do you.

If you don’t start no-one can take way your dream. It’s almost perfect. You buy the stuff, I spend your money. You don’t start the work and stay dreaming of what will happen and your life of luxury. Then I provide you with another answer and the cycle starts again. I call it Perpetual Motion - in fact I think that’s exactly what I’ll call my next product!

That leads me on to your next question - how long are we called Newbies. As long as there is Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion. The only pity is some people run out of money and fall out of the system. But hey, there’s always another to take your place.

I’ll cover most of your other questions (apart from the big one about pyjamas) with this one answer:

Never, ever set your self a budget. It will only lead to your intense disappointment when you’ve hit your limit and I write to you about my latest launch. Don’t restrict yourselves - you know it makes sense.

Now I’ve also found a solution to your download question (you know Homer’s “little problem”) Why don’t you both take a giant leap into the world of the Big Bad Gurus now? What I mean is that Homer should stay in his pyjamas all day and from the look of his long-johns you showed yesterday he’d be much quicker at doing his business and getting back to the downloads. I reckon you’d be able to add another 6 or so a day. There advice on non internet matters as well - I’m a real all rounder.

Now, having mentioned the pyjamas I’d better finish off on this thorny issue. There is an unwritten law about this and I’m sworn to secrecy but as I feel you’ll be lining my pockets for years to come I don’t suppose it will matter if I tell you.
There’s a hierarchy. You start with plain jimjams, progress to stripes once you’ve fleeced your first 500 guru fodder then graduate to silk in any colour you choose. Only the biggest and real baddest super gurus are officially allowed to work in their underpants. There is a secret guru police who read every sales letter and visit those who haven’t yet qualified. So if you ever hear a knock at the door at the dead of night and you see a guy wearing dark blue pyjamas and sporting a flat hat, do not open the door and certainly don’t mention I gave you this information.

Looking ahead

Creative Commons License photo credit: Nevalenx

OK, I think you’re all set for a great career as true guru fodder - get yourselves over to my latest firesale and in the words of the best gurus - I’ll see you on the other side (have you noticed you never see anyone?)

So there we are Homer and Marge. That’s probably the finest answer you could have expected to your questions. I’m not sure I’ll be following any of that advice but you’ll have to reach your own conclusions.

The Anti Hype

You can download a copy of this- Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion- and previous related posts from Scribd

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Topics: Bad Gurus, Fun, General Guru Fodder, Guru Fodder Terminology, Humour, Marketing, The Anti Hype, newbies |

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