Phil was brought to my attention by our long suffering friend Homer.

Once again Homer thinks he has found the pot of gold and the “no work” easy answer but I fear the worst.

YOU WILL ALREADY KNOW PHIL, or someone very much like him. We know them as Bad Gurus. Phil has one objective in life – fill his ClickBank account. A very worthy objective – provided it is not done at the expense of someone elses dreams and aspirations.

Enter Homer.

Homer, you’ll know by now loves the illusion of the internet lifestyle:

• expensive houses
• fast cars
• Marge (she used to be a fast women, allegedly)
• boats
• international travel
• flexible working hours
• cash on demand

He is, however, still torn between working in his pajamas or underpants. He has read conflicting sales letters and is currently erring towards long johns with a pajama jacket. Kinda likes to hedge his bets.

He still believes, despite the thousands he has spend on manuals, e-books, e-courses, podcasts, seminars, software, mentors, not to mention night attire, that there is one hidden method where riches will fall into his pajama clad lap without any work being necessary.

On his endless quest this week he responded to an email from one of the 98,343 lists he has subscribed to, and bought:

“Scarlet Pimpernel Marketing”

The Sales Letter

The usual heart wrenching story of the orphan, born with one leg shorter than the other. For this poor unfortunate soul the problem was compounded because his other leg was also longer!

With no guide in early life he fell into a life of depravity and spent 20 years of his teenage years in and out of institutions. Math was never his strong point.

Fortunately he learned to tell a good tale and made some great friends along the way – read any of the testimonials!

Despite his background he miraculously stumbled across a method of making money online that until today has been kept secret.

It is time that Phil McLikbanck, for that is his name, repaid the world and helped everyone else now he has made his fortune as evidenced by the blurred out images of Paypal Accounts and Clickbank statements . The blurring is so good there are no names ( Data Protection issues), no amounts, the bank wouldn’t like it and no numbers of visitors, Google wouldn’t like it. But the evidence is plain for all to see.

So Scarlet Pimpernel Marketing is a must for anyone starting out, regardless of background. Sign up today for the immediate discount (it can be removed at any time naturally) and by tea and muffin time tomorrow you’ll be sitting in your good old jimmyjams watching the money roll in.

The risk is all Phil McLikbanck’s of course. If you’re not a millionaire within 28 days there’s a 100% refund, no questions asked.

A click swipe of Homers forehead chip and the deal was done.

“Marge, Marge” a frustrated Homer calls to his long suffering wife. How do I download this Scarlet Pimpernel Marketing manual? Maybe it’s too big to get through the telephone line. They were promising a massive package.

An email was received thanking Homer for the purchase and telling him to log in using the User Name and Password already emailed. Never received and no contact details on the sales page to chase up.

Marge suggests he responds to the email. Doesn’t work – just an auto-responder message with no mailbox attached. Fortunately, within minutes another email arrives promoting the must have accompaning product for Scarlet Pimpernel Marketing – The online Sherlock Holmes Tracker device. While waiting to find the login details Homer decides he needs to take advantage of this never to be repeated offer.

28 days have since passed and still Homer has not downloaded Scarlet Pimpernel Marketing. He has been unable to contact Phil McLikbanck despite the best efforts of the Sherlock Holmes Tracker device, which seeks him here, it seeks him there, but Homer is sure he’ll fulfil his obligation under the money back guarantee, even though the guarantee period has ended – he seems such a nice guy, particularly with his poor background.

It must be just a technical fault because he still keeps in touch by email about other products. In fact he’s just about to launch Claret Pimpernel Marketing. Very similar but updated to encompass the change on Google, Yahoo, Alexa ranking issues.

Homer will buy it no doubt!

The Conclusion

Phil McLikbanck has fallen into the trap of expensive lifestyle, houses, cars, personal pyjama tailor, typical online guru stuff.

He has no long term sustainable business so has to do a big launch / re-launch to generate big cash flow. He has and shows no care for his customers, to him they are just guru fodder and cLikbanck (sic) fillers.

Homer, is clutching at his dream and loves to believe the solution is the next credit card entry away. If he would just stop buying and act on just one of the programs he has already bought he would see what he needs to do – Take Action!

As long as there are Homers there will be Phils!

Beware, there may be a Phil near you.

The characters in this post are, of course, fictional and none of this would happen in real life… or would it?

The Anti Hype

Thanks to Randy at Internet Starting Steps for inspiring this post

Tags: badgurus, scarlet pimpernel marketing, internet marketing, humor, humour, The Anti Hype, guru fodder

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I heard it from Homer of all people.

Now, you’ll realise by now that poor old Homer is guru fodder to the core. He gets taken in by every new pitch, every new opportunity and frankly, every line he is throw by those big bad gurus.

You’ll remember a few days ago Homer and Marge emailed me a list of questions and they were answered by an un-named Super Bad Guru, who said in Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion that the best bit of advice he could give was to have their credit card with them at all times.

Well, he took that a stage further and developed a product which he tested on Homer. Now as with most BBGs (Big Bad Gurus) he quickly moved on to his next major launch and told Homer he was free to promote the product himself. He provided him with a sales page and the product but…

Unfortunately, Homer doesn’t have a clue and is looking for help in getting this to the market. Leave a message below if you think you can help him.

So here is Homer demonstrating the product:

HOMER’S IMPLANT

Yes, it’s that simple, and oh so obvious.

A credit card chip implanted in your forehead.

According to BBG, all you need is a simple line of code on your website and the details from the chip are scanned as the page is read by guru fodder. By the time half the sales letter has been read, the cost of the product has been deducted from the credit card.

It doesn’t matter if they leave the page without clicking the buy button – they’ve been charged anyway.

Even I am amazed at the brilliance of this.

So what about refunds I hear you ask. In the words of BBG, as reported to me by Homer “it doesn’t matter, by the time guru fodder get their credit card statements they’ll have forgotten which sites they’ve visited and they’ll never track you down.”

So the sales letter he has already produced is true -

• No product
• No selling of anything
• No stock
• No customer service
• No refunds

This truly is the number one way to pajama wearing status.

Mr Big Bad Guru really has surpassed everything I’ve ever seen with this one!

Any resemblance with anything in real life is purely a figment of someone’s imagination…

Or is it?

The Anti Hype

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They’ve decided to focus on one thing rather than buying up e-books and programs on anything and everything that comes their way like before. That’s good I thought, at least if they avoid the distractions they might get something started and stick with it until it started working for them. But…

They told me yesterday that they are now only considering programs where the sales letter promises they can work in their pyjamas (sorry if you prefer pajamas!). And I thought we were getting somewhere!

They won’t be persuaded otherwise. They’ve taken on board the hype and they’re now officially gung ho pajama seeking guru fodder.

Now I don’t want to encourage them with their folly but I did come across an interesting site today that offers just what they’re looking for and a potential business that might work for them. I have to say, they don’t strike me as being technically able, or, frankly, likely to be able to concentrate on one thing long enough to make a success of it. But this domain name business (it doesn’t really appeal to me but I think Homer & Marge may like it) looks really simple and there’s very little to learn.

Now here’s the bit that will really appeal to our guru fodder friends: -

Pajamas are mentioned not once, not twice but five times on the sales page. I can almost see the frenzy that Homer & Marge will be in by the time they get to the end.

Now, the real plus is that we are not talking just any old mention of pajamas. We are talking real guru wearing pajama poetry:

There’s the delightful “passive pajama wearing monthly income” the classic “pajama wearing work from home millionaires” & the aptly named “pajamas lifestyle”. With promises like like I don’t think Homer will be able to resist.

Take a look for yourself if you don’t believe me:

Earn A Passive Income With Your Domain NamesThe owner of the site, Sean Stafford, is not a bad guru – he has simply found the right words to encourage Homer & Marge to get their credit card out of their pockets again. Sean, I’ll be amazed if they’re not on your list by sundown!

Coming Soon…

As an aside, I’ve been working on some of the Bad Gurus requesting they disclose the full details of the pajama ranking system they use and I’ve been promised by the Chief Colonel PJ (strange titles they give themselves – I guess so we ordinary guys don’t ever get to know their real names and who ranks where) that he is seeking approval at the next Bedroom Meeting. Yes, that’s right, they call their meeting room the Bedroom and not a Boardroom. How sad!

As a gesture of good faith Chief Colonel PJ has sent me a photo of his kid – he tells me kids have to wear the same colour pajamas as their guru dads – so there’s a big clue in this!

The Anti Hype

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credit: Matsuo Amon
Hi Anti Hype

I just read your post about Homer & Marge and I need you to give me their contact details right away. They’re just perfect for my new launch.

I’m looking for 24 million guru fodder, as soon as I reach that number I’m closing the doors, no ifs, no buts, CLOSED. I’ll re-open a week later though with an increased price but don’t tell them that.

If you give me their details I’ll save the trouble of answering their questions. Deal? In fact I’m so desperate, I mean keen to help, I’ve given the answers below.

Hi Homer & Marge, it’s your lucky day. I’m the guy who you want to give your lifetimes savings to. I have the flashiest, wizziest, cash belching automated show on the road. With this you cannot fail, at least I can’t!

You don’t have to take my word for it, read the testimonials on my web 2.0 enhanced, state of the art, video & audio enabled, created for me at huge expense by some guy in Eastern Europe I found on rentacoder, site. Some of them are by real people who have actually heard that I might be creating a product so you really can’t go wrong.

Now you probably want to get started right away and if you are lucky enough to whizz over to me site now and get the fast movers advantage of being in the first 24 million subscribers I’ll give you my personal money back guarantee. All you need to do is sign up and I’ll give you your money back if within 5 minutes you don’t like the program.

Now guru fodder, you don’t mind me calling you that – it’s so much quicker than typing Homer and Marge, one of your questions you asked The Anti Hype was how quickly do we sell out.

I can’t tell you exactly but sometimes it’s within minutes of my server crashing because of the overload. Last launch I did, I had the whole of Europe trying to access the site at exactly the same time so there is no time to lose. As soon as you hear the word the doors are open you have to act – no question about it – you don’t want to miss out do you?

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I WILL EVER GIVE ONLINE – KEEP YOUR CREDIT CARD WITH YOU AT ALL, I REPEAT ALL TIMES.

credit: rickharpreet thinking

Sometimes you’ll get an email from me and you’ll find yourselves entranced by the hype and I don’t want you to miss out by having to find your card and then getting cold feet or realising its not for you. That won’t do any of us any good. It’s also important to the world economy to keep the cash flowing. Particularly in the direction of me.

Now on to those great One Time Offers. Without a doubt you must get them immediately. My whole lifestyle is built on a take up rate of 99.9% and I take it personally if someone doesn’t buy. In fact, I always use an immediate follow up along the lines:

I know the extra $3 is probably to much for you poor people to spend right now so what I’m going to do is offer you easy payment terms over the next 3 months. I usually get the few stragglers with that one – I think you two probably fall in that category so let me know when you get to that stage.

Now here’s the best bit. You said you’re only on page 1 of the product you bought. That’s really the thing to do. Whatever you do don’t just stick to one plan. You’ll end up getting focused and not buying anything else. You’ll find out that something works and you’ll stick with it rather than jumping at the next great idea and spending more money. Think about the economy and my expensive lifestyle.

WITHOUT DOUBT THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE I GIVE TO ANY NEWBIE IS “NEVER FINISH READING ANY eBOOK or COMPLETE ANY COURSE OR TASKS YOU ARE GIVEN. I’d go as far as saying it is sometime best not to even start. You don’t want to get demoralised do you.

If you don’t start no-one can take way your dream. It’s almost perfect. You buy the stuff, I spend your money. You don’t start the work and stay dreaming of what will happen and your life of luxury. Then I provide you with another answer and the cycle starts again. I call it Perpetual Motion – in fact I think that’s exactly what I’ll call my next product!

That leads me on to your next question – how long are we called Newbies. As long as there is Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion. The only pity is some people run out of money and fall out of the system. But hey, there’s always another to take your place.

I’ll cover most of your other questions (apart from the big one about pyjamas) with this one answer:

Never, ever set your self a budget. It will only lead to your intense disappointment when you’ve hit your limit and I write to you about my latest launch. Don’t restrict yourselves – you know it makes sense.

Now I’ve also found a solution to your download question (you know Homer’s “little problem”) Why don’t you both take a giant leap into the world of the Big Bad Gurus now? What I mean is that Homer should stay in his pyjamas all day and from the look of his long-johns you showed yesterday he’d be much quicker at doing his business and getting back to the downloads. I reckon you’d be able to add another 6 or so a day. There advice on non internet matters as well – I’m a real all rounder.

Now, having mentioned the pyjamas I’d better finish off on this thorny issue. There is an unwritten law about this and I’m sworn to secrecy but as I feel you’ll be lining my pockets for years to come I don’t suppose it will matter if I tell you.
There’s a hierarchy. You start with plain jimjams, progress to stripes once you’ve fleeced your first 500 guru fodder then graduate to silk in any colour you choose. Only the biggest and real baddest super gurus are officially allowed to work in their underpants. There is a secret guru police who read every sales letter and visit those who haven’t yet qualified. So if you ever hear a knock at the door at the dead of night and you see a guy wearing dark blue pyjamas and sporting a flat hat, do not open the door and certainly don’t mention I gave you this information.

photo credit: Nevalenx

OK, I think you’re all set for a great career as true guru fodder – get yourselves over to my latest firesale and in the words of the best gurus – I’ll see you on the other side (have you noticed you never see anyone?)

So there we are Homer and Marge. That’s probably the finest answer you could have expected to your questions. I’m not sure I’ll be following any of that advice but you’ll have to reach your own conclusions.

The Anti Hype

You can download a copy of this- Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion- and previous related posts from Scribd

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“Hi Big Bad Guru”

“Hi Even Badder Guru, how’s it going?”

“Really great, I just had a firesale, one time offer, giveway PLR, upsell $7 dollar secrets, multiple bonus, stuff my PayPal account full of cash type of week. How about you.”

“Even better. Not only is Clickbank churning away and feeding my multiple bank accounts as we speak I found the ultimate solution to those idiot Guru Fodder, who plague my Forum and expect my help.”

“Man, that sounds cool, tell me more.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. You know you always get a few who don’t understand about forums. They turn up, try to sign in and screw up and place a Help Desk ticket. Well, of course, I’m too busy sitting on the beach in my underpants, to deal with such trivia so I let them stew a few days until they chase me.”

“When I have to I’ll begrudgingly tell them how to get in but after a few days they start asking those stupid, idiot questions, like… “Hi, I’m new here, I’m not sure where to start and your program is so cool I can’t wait to learn what you promise in the sales letter. What do I do first?”“

“We both know, that if we ignore them long enough most of them give up and we don’t have to answer their questions but every so often you get that one trouble maker who makes it bad for everyone. You know the guy, expects to get value and a product that’s going to work for him. Asks persistent questions, like, “in the sales letter you say you’ll provide support and answers to all my questions.” Don’t these guru-fodder know that’s just hype and we’re busy planning the next heist?”

“Well, to cut a long story short, this guy was posting questions and was getting a bit of support from other members (I think he must have been a WannaBee Guru – he was quite good a getting a following) and they were all whining and bleating about not getting what they paid for. Really I don’t know what these people expect.”

“Anyway, I was sitting in my underpants at the breakfast table watching the Clickbank sales pour in when I had
the brainwave. Delete the post. Then I thought, why not delete the whole thread. A minute later the whole masterplan had fallen into place. Cancel everyone’s account and close the whole thing down. They’ll never find me for a refund – I won’t answer anyway and then next week I’ll launch something else.”

“Wow, and I thought I had a good week!. Nice underpants by the way.”

The fictional characters in these stories are not based on any one individual, program or product and are used purely to raise a laugh at their expense. You may think they resemble someone you know but I couldn’t possibly comment.

photo credit: Brett L.

The Anti Hype

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The person concerned is one of the Good Gurus. He knows what is what and makes his decision to buy based on whether he thinks there is any possible value in the product. He is not taken in by the hype, nor does he expect to make a fortune overnight. This is not an emotional purchase but one ruled by the head. Introducing…

Guru Immune

If you are not worn down and give up due to no more funds being available following the redistribution of wealth to the Bad Gurus, then you may find yourself graduating from basic Guru Fodder, to Guru Sceptic and ultimately to Guru Immune status.

Yes, there is hope for us all.

The Anti Hype

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Guru Fodder – The collective name for the people caught out by the over-hype & bad tactics used by some people on the web to extract hard-earned money from unsuspecting new marketers.

Bad Gurus – The real bad guys. Those who only care about themselves and the success of their next sale. They use outrageous claims, follow up with one new “must have” after another, provide little ongoing support or service but somehow manage to attract a mass following of Guru Fodder. They have also been known to try to sell every affiliate program available assuring us that they have personal used each one to generate mass fortunes.

Guru Sceptics – Guru Sceptics were once Guru Fodder but have learnt the hard way and now treat all new launches, hyped-up sales page and mass marketing tactics with a healthy degree of scepticism.

The Anti Hype – That’s me. I’m certainly not against emotional sales letters and good marketing tactics. Most people need help in making decisions and good sales techniques are absolutely necesssary. What I’m totally against are ridiculous claims, guarantees of overnight riches, promises of life time support, cash belching virtual machines on steriods and all of the other over hype.

The Anti Hypettes – My groupies. — OK, they don’t exist really, I’m just an old guy dreaming a little!

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