credit: Matsuo Amon
Hi Anti Hype

I just read your post about Homer & Marge and I need you to give me their contact details right away. They’re just perfect for my new launch.

I’m looking for 24 million guru fodder, as soon as I reach that number I’m closing the doors, no ifs, no buts, CLOSED. I’ll re-open a week later though with an increased price but don’t tell them that.

If you give me their details I’ll save the trouble of answering their questions. Deal? In fact I’m so desperate, I mean keen to help, I’ve given the answers below.

Hi Homer & Marge, it’s your lucky day. I’m the guy who you want to give your lifetimes savings to. I have the flashiest, wizziest, cash belching automated show on the road. With this you cannot fail, at least I can’t!

You don’t have to take my word for it, read the testimonials on my web 2.0 enhanced, state of the art, video & audio enabled, created for me at huge expense by some guy in Eastern Europe I found on rentacoder, site. Some of them are by real people who have actually heard that I might be creating a product so you really can’t go wrong.

Now you probably want to get started right away and if you are lucky enough to whizz over to me site now and get the fast movers advantage of being in the first 24 million subscribers I’ll give you my personal money back guarantee. All you need to do is sign up and I’ll give you your money back if within 5 minutes you don’t like the program.

Now guru fodder, you don’t mind me calling you that – it’s so much quicker than typing Homer and Marge, one of your questions you asked The Anti Hype was how quickly do we sell out.

I can’t tell you exactly but sometimes it’s within minutes of my server crashing because of the overload. Last launch I did, I had the whole of Europe trying to access the site at exactly the same time so there is no time to lose. As soon as you hear the word the doors are open you have to act – no question about it – you don’t want to miss out do you?

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I WILL EVER GIVE ONLINE – KEEP YOUR CREDIT CARD WITH YOU AT ALL, I REPEAT ALL TIMES.

credit: rickharpreet thinking

Sometimes you’ll get an email from me and you’ll find yourselves entranced by the hype and I don’t want you to miss out by having to find your card and then getting cold feet or realising its not for you. That won’t do any of us any good. It’s also important to the world economy to keep the cash flowing. Particularly in the direction of me.

Now on to those great One Time Offers. Without a doubt you must get them immediately. My whole lifestyle is built on a take up rate of 99.9% and I take it personally if someone doesn’t buy. In fact, I always use an immediate follow up along the lines:

I know the extra $3 is probably to much for you poor people to spend right now so what I’m going to do is offer you easy payment terms over the next 3 months. I usually get the few stragglers with that one – I think you two probably fall in that category so let me know when you get to that stage.

Now here’s the best bit. You said you’re only on page 1 of the product you bought. That’s really the thing to do. Whatever you do don’t just stick to one plan. You’ll end up getting focused and not buying anything else. You’ll find out that something works and you’ll stick with it rather than jumping at the next great idea and spending more money. Think about the economy and my expensive lifestyle.

WITHOUT DOUBT THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE I GIVE TO ANY NEWBIE IS “NEVER FINISH READING ANY eBOOK or COMPLETE ANY COURSE OR TASKS YOU ARE GIVEN. I’d go as far as saying it is sometime best not to even start. You don’t want to get demoralised do you.

If you don’t start no-one can take way your dream. It’s almost perfect. You buy the stuff, I spend your money. You don’t start the work and stay dreaming of what will happen and your life of luxury. Then I provide you with another answer and the cycle starts again. I call it Perpetual Motion – in fact I think that’s exactly what I’ll call my next product!

That leads me on to your next question – how long are we called Newbies. As long as there is Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion. The only pity is some people run out of money and fall out of the system. But hey, there’s always another to take your place.

I’ll cover most of your other questions (apart from the big one about pyjamas) with this one answer:

Never, ever set your self a budget. It will only lead to your intense disappointment when you’ve hit your limit and I write to you about my latest launch. Don’t restrict yourselves – you know it makes sense.

Now I’ve also found a solution to your download question (you know Homer’s “little problem”) Why don’t you both take a giant leap into the world of the Big Bad Gurus now? What I mean is that Homer should stay in his pyjamas all day and from the look of his long-johns you showed yesterday he’d be much quicker at doing his business and getting back to the downloads. I reckon you’d be able to add another 6 or so a day. There advice on non internet matters as well – I’m a real all rounder.

Now, having mentioned the pyjamas I’d better finish off on this thorny issue. There is an unwritten law about this and I’m sworn to secrecy but as I feel you’ll be lining my pockets for years to come I don’t suppose it will matter if I tell you.
There’s a hierarchy. You start with plain jimjams, progress to stripes once you’ve fleeced your first 500 guru fodder then graduate to silk in any colour you choose. Only the biggest and real baddest super gurus are officially allowed to work in their underpants. There is a secret guru police who read every sales letter and visit those who haven’t yet qualified. So if you ever hear a knock at the door at the dead of night and you see a guy wearing dark blue pyjamas and sporting a flat hat, do not open the door and certainly don’t mention I gave you this information.

photo credit: Nevalenx

OK, I think you’re all set for a great career as true guru fodder – get yourselves over to my latest firesale and in the words of the best gurus – I’ll see you on the other side (have you noticed you never see anyone?)

So there we are Homer and Marge. That’s probably the finest answer you could have expected to your questions. I’m not sure I’ll be following any of that advice but you’ll have to reach your own conclusions.

The Anti Hype

You can download a copy of this- Internet Marketing Perpetual Motion- and previous related posts from Scribd

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Post tags: anti hype, bad guru, Fun, guru fodder, humor, Humour, perpetual motion, The Anti Hype, TheAntiHype
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I received the following email today. I’m thinking about a suitable reply which I’ll post here, probably tomorrow.

If you are still educating yourselves in internet marketing and the way of the web you may be advised to read through this. At the request of one loyal reader I have included a box of tissues.

Don’t ask about the tissues!

Hi this is Homer and Marge.

Just so you know we’re not from Springfield – we say that because people always ask then laugh when they meet us for the first time – we can’t tell you why though. Just one of those things we guess.

We’ve worked out that we must be what you would call guru fodder.

We need a few questions answering please.

We’ve been looking around the internet for a while, you see we want to make our fortune on line but we’re not sure where we sit in the pecking order and what we should be doing first.

We really like the $100 products with their “you must buy now or they’ll be gone” headlines. They must be really good quality to sell so fast. How quickly do these guys sell out? Do we have enough time to run for our credit cards or should we have them with us at all times? How do we get some of those things and are they the best to be selling?

And what about these ottoes – we think they’re called “one time offers” some places. Why do some of them then offer exactly the same on the next page (is that a Two Time Offer or TTO?) but with one less bonus. Are those bonuses brilliant or what. We’ve filled up two hard drives – we’re going to get everything we need then sit down one evening and read everything.

We joined a program last week that cost $97 pm including hosting (can you tell us what that is please) and something else for free. That’s real good value because it said by the time we’d read page 3 we’d be millionaires.

We’re only on page 1 but when we get round to the next few pages we’re made. We think it is absolutely brilliant how this internet thingy works. You don’t need to do any work at all.

Anyway, after a week we we’re told that the price has been reduced to $67 but that we now have to pay $30 for the hosting. That sounds real good to us, but we are “newbies” and aren’t up to speed with the way things work yet. Can you let us know what this hosting thing is because we only have a small house and don’t have room to host too many people at once. Maybe we should spend the $30 on something else. What do you think?

On the subject of “newbies” we read on your site that we are allowed to be called idiots. We don’t like that but can put up with it for a while but what we need to know is “how long are we classified as newbies? Is it time related, or how much money we’ve spent with the Bad Gurus or is it something we can never change because we didn’t venture online before 2008?

It is all so confusing for us. We’re happy to spend our life savings with someone who’ll show us how to make money online (particularly if that means we can graduate from being newbies quicker) but there are just so many great gurus out there it’s hard to choose between the “cash belching dollar churning automated whiz bangs” and the “work in your pyjamas and watch the $ drop into your bank account like plastic ducks being shot at a fairground” products.

We are getting a bit old for working in our pyjamas, Marge has a hip problem and has to wear a wooly nightie – is that OK? Are any colours particular favoured because we would hate not to follow protocol.

Actually we saw last week that one of the bad gurus featured here wears his underpants whilst working. Homer wears rather fetching long johns – are they OK? We’d rather spend our money on the learning than the guru attire at the moment.

By the way, we’ve seen that many of the gurus speak at seminars – is there a dress code there? If so we’ll probably only go to the summer ones.

So how much should we budget to spend during our first few weeks? Do we need a website? We see so many sites that say you don’t need one we figure we won’t bother but we don’t know how the money turns up.

Is it something to do with downloading enough products and the money gets paid onto your bank account. We like the look of those Paypal and Clickbank accounts that show loads of money everyday. Which product do you get those with?

We have lots of time available so if that is how it works we can start downloading today. We could buy another computer and as we both have a credit card we could buy things all day. We reckon if we concentrated on the $7 products we could buy about 4 an hour each (Homer has a bladder issue so would be a bit slower as he has to pay a visit every ½ hour or so).

That would be about 50-60 downloads a day. It would cost us around $350 a day but if we got $97 paid into Paypal for each one downloaded like the big boys then we probably would be very rich very quickly.

If only we’d found out about this last year before we tried that pyramid thing or that one where we sent the money off but the poor guy was ill and couldn’t fulfill our order. We didn’t have the heart to ask for our money back.

It seems like we’re rambling but we’ve only written about one page and those bad gurus write letters about a mile long. They have so much to say they must be really clever and know everything

Hoping you can answer our questions Mr AntiHype.
Wow, Homer & Marge that’s a lot of questions. I’ll do my best to answer them on the guru-fodder blog tomorrow. Don’t forget to stop by.

The Anti Hype

P.S. If you liked this post feel free to download the Newbies Learn How The Internet Works & Make $$$ In Days pdf and share it from Scribd

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Post tags: Bad Gurus, comedy, Fun, guru fodder, homer & marge, Humour, newbies, springfield
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